12 July 2008

New Beginnings

And so my journey through the alphabet comes to a close. It's been an interesting project to play with and distract myself with. I re-read a few of them recently and realized that I really don't get too personal with all of you readers. Which I suppose is for the best, but tonight I'll let you in on a small piece of Personal Eva.

On last Tuesday night, I wrote an email to a friend, part of which read as follows:

"I am sitting here feeling rather odd, and I know it's some strange thing associated with the events that are taking place tomorrow morning. I find it impossible to write anything, so I just sit here, staring at my screen, willing an email to come and distract me. And I run the rounds through my favorite blogs, chastising myself for not reading something important. When is the last time I picked up a damn newspaper? I don't know why I'm concerning myself with my lack of intellectual stimulation right now. I guess it's just more desire for distraction..."

The following morning at 9am, I was at the Orange County courthouse to appear before a judge that would finalize the "marriage dissolution" between myself and Rob. I arrived with some discomfort about how I would feel during the next hour of my day. I came alone, not wanting this to be a "shared moment" with anyone else in my life. Outside the courtroom I met my attorney. As previously agreed, she and I went over the questions she would be asking me in front of the judge; all of which pertain to the fact that the marriage is irreconcilable, that we've agreed to split our assets as stated in the judgment, that no amount of counseling will solve anything, etc.

We were moved to a different courtroom due to our scheduled judge being absent that day. The new judge needed to review the documents before swearing me in. In the interim, he closed a couple of other cases on the agenda. A woman around my age was sworn in and was asked the same questions as I had been briefed on. The judge approved the petition for divorce and sent her back to the seats in the rear of the courtroom. She sat down next to me and started to sniffle and choke back a few sobs. I placed my hand on her arm and told her that it was going to be okay, and that she wasn't alone. I don't know if that was a dumb thing to say, but I found myself becoming sad for her. She said that it was for the best and that now she can get on with her life.

I was struck with a moment of terror - would I start sobbing in front of the judge? I really didn't know how I was going to react to the finality of this divorce that began back in October. I decided that I would just remove my emotion from the process and hope for the best.

The judge excused himself and went to his chambers to review the cases that had been moved from the other courtroom (ours included). My attorney came over to me (she had been sitting up front with the other attorneys) and sat down to make small talk. I asked her if she ever took vacations, figuring that this would distract from the task at hand and further my goal of remaining unattached to the proceedings. She talked about going to San Diego at the end of the month to attend Comicon, AKA NerdFest 2008.

This was perfect. I was delighted that my attorney was such an odd character, vacationing in San Diego for Comicon, and, from a previous conversation months ago, loves to see Wicked The Musical over and over and over again. Even better, I found myself totally at peace with what was soon to transpire.

The judge came back, and after one other case, we were called up. I sat at the table with my attorney and stood up to get sworn in. Did you know that they don't make you put your hand on a Bible? Is that just in the movies? Anyhoo, my attorney asked all the questions and I said "Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, No, etc." and then we were done. The judge granted the divorce, I said goodbye to my attorney, and she stayed behind to wait for the documents to be processed.

I left the courtroom and made my way towards the escalator to take me downstairs and out of the building. You know how sometimes you experience a rare moment in your life where you are completely "in the moment", taking everything in, committing it to memory and utilizing all of your senses to do so? Wednesday morning, riding down the escalator was one of those moments. I realized that I felt an extraordinary sense of relief. And closure. And then something surprised me. I felt happy.

And that made me smile.

5 comments:

Skeeter said...

Glad you and Boog have come through it all in tact. Relief, it's wonderful, isn't it?

sari said...

Eva, I know how you feel about not really sharing things that are super personal. I often think that most of what I write is fluff and boring and stupid, but you know, I just can't get TOO personal on the internet I guess. I've met a lot of people (you included) that I would gladly blab away too or meet in person or share photos with, but I guess I just shy away from the big step of having it on my blog.

Which is just a long winded way to get to I'm glad you shared your story about your divorce. I have never been divorced but I have gone through it with my parents so I kind of have experience with it. I think now, as a parent, it strikes me even further that you know what is best for you, and your child, and I"m proud that you've taken the steps and done what you needed to do. It's hard! And I know you did everything you could before you got to that point.

Congratulations and I wish you all the best, you and The Boog both.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Hey there, found you through michael c. I went through that 18 years ago. At that time in my life I just shut off my emotions, like turning off the faucet. Best of luck to you.

Sharilyn said...

hey neighbor, regarding your comment: "Did you know that they don't make you put your hand on a Bible? Is that just in the movies?" Actually, one USED TO be sworn in using the Bible and also by saying what you said PLUS "...so help me God." These have both been deleted from the swearing-in process due to our current PC culture and the removal of God from the public arena. I find it a very sad testimony on our society, and to me, it seems rather inconsequential to simply say that one "swears" to tell the truth w/o anything more than one's own (many times questionable rep/honor!) to back that 'promise'. and, yes, I do realize my politics are showing a bit here! ... I am glad you are on the other side of the official part of the divorce ordeal now and can sense the freedom of closure & the advent of a new beginning! :) -sharilyn

Eva said...

skeeter: yes, relief is wonderful.

sari: thank you again for the friendship you always extend my way

employee #3699: thanks for the comment, and for sharing your experience in a nutshell. :) and welcome to my blog!

sharilyn: i agree that our society has become overly pc with religion being one part of it. however, since i am not one who follows an organized religion, i don't believe that saying "so help me God" would hold much weight. in fact, i would find it a bit hypocritical, much like i did when i attended Catholic services with my [now] ex-husband.